Sometimes I really can't believe I'm here, and now it's starting to feel kinda ~natural~. I've written about it before. That "new normal" but it's not really the same as when I was studying abroad, living in a student residence. It's not like I expected being an au pair to be like that, but in all honesty I don't think I knew what to expect. Kids are kinda funny and you learn to act like a kid yourself too to keep them entertained, at first I felt kinda foolish. But, it's kind of like when I'm trying to speak Spanish and end up feeling kind of like an idiot, it's OK feel that way. Kids also forgive super quickly (mostly), and you learn to do that too, even when you're frustrated. Being an au pair is also reminding me of so many things when I was a kid, things you forget, but it makes you laugh. You see, I'm the youngest sibling, so I never have been surrounded by kids younger than me in this way.
I think one thing I'm struggling with the most on this "abroad experience" is missing my family. When I was in Denmark, I was constantly surrounded by people, I was never alone (after I made friends..). Here, I'm living with a family (and they're nice), but I see them, you know, being a family, and I'm like "damn, well I miss mine". I guess it's just something I didn't totally plan for. It's also been a little more difficult to meet people, since I'm shy. In a student residence, you are kinda thrust into a world where everyone is in the same position as you, but living in a town, you have to take the initiative to go out and meet people, even if you're shy. Sometimes you win, sometimes you don't. But once you push yourself out of that bubble, you end up meeting some pretty cool people.
Learning a second language is really hard, and it's not as if I am forgetting English, because let's be honest my Spanish isn't at that high of a level, but my brain is struggling along currently because now sometimes I think of a word in English and in Spanish, even when I'm not trying. Except, when I try to have a conversation seriously (in Spanish) it doesn't come so easy. Struggles. But I can seriously say that my level has drastically improved since I left, but there is still so much I don't know. Spanish y u have so many tenses for?
Other than all of that, I'm thinking a lot about planning and how damn frustrating it is. I had a plan, a good plan too, or so I thought. I guess you should never plan on something being a "sure thing" because it doesn't always work the way you want. I'm also thinking "well to hell with planning", why am I planning my life around what I've been told is "proper". So what if I am the age I am, floundering around Spain, not following some "plan" I had because it seemed like the right thing to do. What is the right thing to do? Maybe I just want to live my life permanently on vacation, I think that's it, but let's be honest, it's not happening. I'm trying to compromise and figure it out, but so far that's not been working. Plans fall, and when you haven't got a plan B you're a little lost for words and actions. That's where I stand, and that's certainly a vague paragraph of me referring to plans without saying what they are. But it applies to a bunch of things. I think it's pretty okay that I don't know what I'm doing, at least I am doing something, and something I wanted. Sure, I should probably hash out some sort of plan B, but I think I'm a bit miffed about planning right now that I don't want to get into it.
Spain is wonderful, and sometimes I take a second and look around and I think how wild it is that I'm here. After semana santa, I had a really long drive home from the south of Spain and it was just so beautiful. Spain is gorgeous. Madrid is beautiful, and so alive. This further fuels my struggle of wanting to be home but wanting to be here. I know I can't be in two places at once. The thing about going home though, is that things are largely still the same as when you left, and you're away, glorifying everything (even crappy Tim Hortons coffee), and you come back and then you miss the place you left. "god, Stephanie if being away is so hard stop doing it" ... logic, right? It doesn't work that way entirely I guess. I love being in Europe, and the adventure.
This post has been a bit ranting but at least I got it out of my brain for now.
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